Chimerical
by Dark Ride
Summary: The thing about subconscious thoughts and feelings is that they can get out of control really quickly, as Mikasa finds to her chagrin. Canon-compliant RivaMika.
1. Chimerical

A short, four-chaptered story. The first part was written for my personal writing challenge, the other three for various days of the 5th round of RivaMika Week. Spoilers up to ch 70.

 _Chimerical_ \- merely imaginary; fanciful

* * *

It had been simple in the beginning. Mikasa had been angry at Captain Levi and she had devised several ways how to make him pay. That stupid cravat of his played a prominent role, a good anchor for her hand to pull his face closer to her fist.

The things had changed eventually. Her anger simmered out and a reluctant sort of respect took its place. She no longer imagined the best way to pay him back for what he had done. He was still an infuriating asshole but the urge to hurt him had passed. She could even say that she started to look up to him in certain ways. His fighting style, for one, was one of the most effective she had seen and she was skillful enough to be able to emulate it.

In her observations of him, Mikasa had noticed his lack of cravat during their days in the hiding but thought nothing of it at first. She had once considered it a strategic asset that could be useful in a confrontation but since she was no longer entertaining those thoughts, it had no impact on her.

Until he started to wear it again.

The dream that night had started like so many of her previous fantasies. She would say something to him and he would reply back, her temper would flare and she would grab his cravat to pull him closer and to emphasize that she was taller than him, all for the sake of intimidation.

In her previous dreams, she had used his cravat to pull his face closer to her fist. In this dream, she fisted her hand in the fabric and dragged his face to her own until their lips were milimetres apart and then she closed that distance, too.

It startled her right out of her sleep but what was even more disturbing was her own reluctance to acknowledge the dream as a nightmare to a sleepy Sasha.

Mikasa was glad that their new duties had the squad separated from their Captain so often. She didn't like looking at him because he once again wore the cravat on what seemed a permanent basis and it was a constant reminder of what her imaginary self did to his imaginary self using the piece of cloth.

She was sure this would eventually pass. She was sure it was just the stress and worry and anticipation as the days moved ever closer to the Shiganshina operation. She was sure-

-that Captain Levi was still supposed to be in the capitol, not at the orphanage.

For a moment, Mikasa thought she was still asleep. The man who featured so prominently in her dreams and who she had done her best to avoid recently was right in front of her. He looked like he had had a bad night, the bags under his eyes once again pronounced.

He stood in front of the room that had been assigned to him, obviously having just closed the door behind him. He must have gotten in late last night.

"Mikasa," he said and she nodded at him.

"Captain," she replied and that would be the end of it except her eyes landed on that infernal cravat. Later on, she would blame her sleepless nights and dreams that were not nightmares.

"Excuse me," she said and stepped up, untying the wrinkled fabric. She smoothed it out, then deftly retied the knot, all the while keeping her eyes down. "That's better."

His "thank you" came with just enough delay that she realized he was probably just as surprised by her actions as she was but she would not back down.

"I'll see you later," she told him and then promptly turned away, the mortification catching up with her along with the gratitude that at least, she hadn't reeneacted her dreams exactly.


	2. Caring

This chapter is for alienheartattack, who's one of the nicest people I follow on Tumblr. And because she asked :) On another note, I loved writing Mikasa in this one.

RivaMika Week prompt: Spicy

* * *

Mikasa didn't find herself in embarrassing situations often. She had a reputation for being level-headed and calm most of the time. She would lose her temper or have an angry outburst sometimes but there were usually some mitigating circumstances - a threat to someone she held dear being the most common one.

The incident that morning was different. Yes, maybe she had been still half-asleep and yes, maybe she had still been under the influence of her frequent dreams. But that didn't excuse what she had done.

It had been a small gesture, certainly nothing like what had transpired in her dreams. But it had still been too intimate. She had retied Captain Levi's cravat because it had been wrinkled. He would have probably done it himself even before breakfast. It hadn't been her place to do it. And yet she had done it. Because she had acted on an impulse. Because she hadn't controlled herself.

Even though there was no one around to see her - she had volunteered for tidying up the storage shed to make more space for the winter supplies - Mikasa still pulled up her scarf to mask the blush she felt spreading across her face.

It wasn't that she hated Levi. If she was honest with herself, she would even admit to liking him. Just a little bit. As a valuable comrade whom she respected and trusted. Whom she couldn't even look in the eye during the communal breakfast.

She wondered if she should apologize. She had broken a certain boundary, after all. He probably hadn't appreciated the liberties she took with him. They weren't in a position where such a casual contact was okay. She had had no right to act that way with him.

Mikasa pushed the last crate to the back of the shed and looked around. She hadn't noticed, preoccupied with her thoughts as she had been, but she had already moved all the empty crates away from the centre. The next shipment of supplies would only arrive later in the afternoon. She should probably go and find something else to do but she didn't want to risk running into Captain Levi and so she sat down on one of the crates instead.

She wondered if Levi, too, felt as confused as she did. He had certainly looked as surprised as she had been at her actions. She had left before he could have said anything, though, and now she was stuck thinking about it.

The best thing to do would be to seek an advice from someone else but that would require explanations Mikasa wasn't prepared to give herself, nevermind anyone else. She would have to explain about her dreams and how could she explain something she still didn't understand after more than a month of thinking.

Dreaming about kissing someone was supposed to be normal but with how complicated her relationship with Levi was, it was anything but that. Why couldn't she dream of kissing Eren or Armin or Sasha? There had been no memories of past hostility colouring those relationships, no violent fantasies of beating them up.

Mikasa drew up her knees and buried her face into them. She wished she could stay there for the rest of the day but knew that wasn't possible. She had duties to fulfill. She would allow herself another fifteen minutes of wallowing and then she would walk out and pretend everything was alright. She would apologize to Captain Levi for her inappropriate actions, too and-

As if summoned by her thoughts, the door to the shed swang open and the man himself walked in. Mikasa straightened up immediately. Levi blinked a couple of times to let his eyes adjust to the dimmer light inside. He carried two cups with a steam rising from them and he handed one to her wordlessly. She accepted it automatically, her nose filling with a sharp spicy scent she recognized as a cinnamon.

"Thank you?" She hadn't meant it to come out as a question but it had.

"It's cold and you've been here since the morning," he explained, leaning against her crate and taking a sip from his own cup. "Are you that bothered about earlier?"

"Yes," she said, matching his matter-of-fact tone. This was her opportunity to apologize and get it over with. "I was out of line and-"

"Mikasa," he interrupted her. "You were just being you."

She wanted to tell him off for interrupting her but his words rendered her speechless. He glanced at her before looking down at his cup.

"You care for people without even realizing you're doing it. Making sure that Eren eats well. Covering Armin with a blanket after he falls asleep above the plans. Taking over Jean's cleaning duty two weeks ago when he hurt his hand. That was actually something I was grateful for, too. That guy can't dust properly to save his life," Levi said that last part in a grumble and Mikasa quickly took a sip of the hot tea to hide her smile. "You do things like that without thinking. It's who you are."

It wasn't that simple. Not when her dreams were taken into account. But Levi didn't know that. All he saw was her tendency to mother people. The question was whether she would leave him under that assumption.

"You're different from the others, though," she pointed out and looked at him. Their eyes met and for a brief moment there was a surge of a potential. She could put away her cup and take his cravat and pulled him for a kiss, the very same thing she had done in her dreams so many times. She could but she didn't. It would complicate things and it was better to leave them simple. "They're not my superior officers," she concluded and looked away.

"No, they aren't," he agreed with her. "I don't really mind but since you do, how about this? You tied my cravat and I brought you tea so we'll call it even."

Mikasa nodded. Levi had apparently decided to treat this as no big deal and she would follow his lead. It was for the best. She could deal with her dreams on her own. And if the fact that he had noticed how upset she had been and then had gone out of his way to seek her out to offer his own form of comfort fuelled those dreams even more, well, she would find a way to deal with it, too.

"Yes, we're even."


	3. Epiphany

RivaMika Week prompt: Floral

* * *

Things were supposed to go back to normal but it was easier said than done. Coming to a verbal agreement that nothing important had happened didn't make it so. Things were supposed to go back to normal, or rather what passed for normal, but they didn't.

A formality had never been the issue for Mikasa. She had been respectful enough to her superiors, although she had also had far more leeway than an ordinary soldier would have, all due to her skills. Captain Levi had been the only one to really set her off and even after coming to trust his leadership, her behaviour around him was considerably informal.

Not anymore. It was all good and fine to agree that nothing out of ordinary had happened, that her lapse in judgment had been nothing but a display of her nurturing side. Mikasa knew that hadn't been the case at all and it made dealing with the Captain difficult for her. His presence with the squad was still sporadic at best so it wasn't an issue yet. In a few weeks time, though, the operation to reclaim Wall Maria and reach the Yeager's basement in Shiganshina would start and she needed to sort herself out by then. Not only for the peace of her mind but for the sake of the others as well.

She and Captain worked well together, that was a proven fact. While she wasn't arrogant enough to think the success of the mission hinged on the two of them, she knew they would still have a large influence on how it turned out. She simply couldn't afford to be emotionally compromised.

It was really simple. Dealing with it on her own hadn't worked. She needed another point of view and there was really only one person who knew her well enough and whom she trusted enough to share her troubles.

* * *

"What was it you wanted to talk about?" Armin had learned a long time ago to never assume things when it came to Mikasa. She had been withdrawn lately, something obviously bothering her. Sasha had mentioned Mikasa's sleeping problems, too. It would be easy to jump to the same conclusion as the others had, to chalk up her behaviour to her worry about Eren but Armin knew better.

Mikasa worried about Eren, true. She had been worrying about him for years now. And she channeled that worry into taking care of him, as usual. No, whatever or whoever was on Mikasa's mind, it wasn't Eren.

"I..." she started to say but then paused, her fingers twirling nervously around one end of her scarf. "It's a personal problem."

Armin nodded and waited for her to explain. It was better to let people speak. Sometimes, just the act of putting their thoughts into words helped them understand things better.

"It's about Captain Levi," she spoke slowly. Armin frowned a bit. Captain and Mikasa had no longer had the strained relationship of those first few weeks, at least that was what he had thought. Although, now that he thought back to the recent week or so, Mikasa seemed to be avoiding the man for some reason.

"Did you two have an argument?"

"No," she said, almost hesitantly adding. "He brought me a tea once."

That was not what Armin had expected to hear.

"And that is not good?"

"No, he did it because I did something stupid."

Armin tried to remember the last time Mikasa did something that could be classified as stupid. She made mistakes like everyone, but she learned from them, too.

"What was it?"

"I retied his cravat because it was wrinkled."

Armin blinked and then again. He had known Mikasa for years. She was one of his best friends. She was also so good at everything that sometimes it was easy to forget she was a human being with faults of her own. Still, blowing a simple thing like that out of proportion, well, that was unlike her.

"That's not that awful. Maybe a bit too personal but-" Armin stopped himself. Mikasa was looking everywhere but at him. "What did the Captain say? He wasn't angry with you, was he?"

"No," she admitted. "He said it was just me taking care of people like usual."

"But it wasn't," Armin stated with certainty. "It was different because it was him."

"I told him it was inappropriate because he was my superior officer but I lied."

"Mikasa," Armin started slowly, unsure if he should bring up his conclusion but Mikasa had asked for his advice so advise he would. "Do you like him? In a more than a friend or a colleague way?"

The play of emotions on Mikasa's face was an answer enough.

"Yes, I think so."

And with that admission, something in Mikasa seemed to change.

"I like him. I didn't want to, I have no idea how it happened, but I do."

"It's certainly unexpected," Armin agreed. "Not entirely surprising, though," he added thoughfully. "You had that tension between the two of you almost from the beginning. You are similar enough that you irritate each other with your worst shared traits but then you are also well matched in other areas. Huh. Who would have thought, though, that it could become like this."

A stony silence greeted his conclusion and Armin chuckled sheepishly.

"Sorry, Mikasa."

"What do I do?" she asked. "I can't avoid him forever but I still feel awkward around him."

"Maybe you felt awkward because you were lying to yourself about your feelings," he suggested. "Now that you admitted them, you can deal with them."

"Maybe," she agreed. "It's just... letting it go is for the best, I know that. It's not like the feelings are mutual. And this is no time for anything like that, either," she said determinedly. "You're right, Armin. I can push my feelings back, now that I recognize them."

You shouldn't, he almost said. But Mikasa was right in a way. This was not the right time or place for romance, for any of them. If or when they survived, maybe then. And it could be interesting to watch it happen. Armin was observant and he wasn't convinced that Mikasa's feelings were as one-sided as she thought. The Captain's treatment of Mikasa had always differed from his treatment of others. But it was not Armin's place to say anything. Not here and now when Mikasa was getting back her equilibrium.

One day, maybe he would say something. If those feelings lasted - as repressed feelings often did - then he could suggest that Mikasa got it out of her system. Or he would hint to the Captain that Mikasa's favourite flowers were violets.

But those possibilities were for the future. The present called for him to be a friend, not a matchmaker.

"The Captain and Eren are supposed to be back tonight," he told her. "You can consider the dinner a trial run at acting normal around him again."

"Thank you, Armin. For everything."

"Anytime, Mikasa."

* * *

When Eren and Captain Levi walked into the mess hall later that night, Mikasa forced herself to look at him and she even nodded a greeting to him when they sat down. It was still difficult, a part of her wanted to look away but she reined that part in.

She liked him. It was something that had happened without her say-so and it had caught her off-guard. And maybe she had reacted more poorly to it than was necessary. No matter. She acknowledged it to herself and now she could move past that to focus on the more immediate problems. And if one day things changed, well, tomorrow could take care of itself. She had today to worry about.


	4. Second Take

Last part. Follow up to Epiphany. I hint at lots of my headcanons regarding future plotlines.

RivaMika Week prompt: Earthy

* * *

It wouldn't be the first victory celebration Mikasa attended. It wouldn't even be the last, not when she was one of those people who were hailed as heroes. Heroism, Mikasa thought, was a tricky concept. They had done what had needed to be done. The reasons had varied, oft boiling down to the simple need for survival.

People might have lied to themselves afterwards, saying they had done this or that because it had been the right thing to do. Mikasa didn't think that way. She had fought with all she had because she had wanted to protect those she cared about. That was her reason.

Except now the fighting was over. There was no further need to fight anymore and Mikasa felt at a loss at what to do.

Eren and Armin planned to leave. There were things to see in the world now open to them - oceans, mountains, deserts, forests. She could go with them, she would probably enjoy the sights quite a lot, except it didn't feel right.

Mikasa was self-aware enough to know that seeing the world had never been her own dream. That dream belonged to Eren and Armin. She shouldn't live other people's dreams, though. The problem was that she was unsure what it was that she wanted for herself.

"Mikasa?" Sasha asked as she poked her head into the room. "It's time, everyone's waiting for you."

"I'll be right there," Mikasa replied as she tugged at her jacket collar and adjusted her scarf over it.

Sasha had been exaggerating. Mikasa wasn't the last person missing from the gathering. Connie ran down the corridor to join the group at the same time as Mikasa walked up. And Captain Levi was nowhere to be seen at all.

They didn't really have to wait for him. The protocol for that night's celebration was less rigid than usual. They just wanted to attend as a group for possibly the last time. Each of them had places to be after that. The squad would be dismissed soon after, what with all of them either being promoted or leaving the military altogether.

Mikasa had been offered a promotion and she wondered if maybe she should accept. She had become a soldier to stay with Eren and Armin but she was good at it and it was something familiar.

"Shouldn't someone go find the Captain?" Connie asked after he caught his breath.

"He didn't actually say he would come with us," Armin pointed out. "So he might already be there."

"Or maybe he's just thinking and lost track of time," Sasha said with a shrug. "Like Mikasa did."

Armin glanced at her and Mikasa looked away. He had never mentioned their discussion about her feelings for the Captain but she knew him. He was one of her best friends. There had been a couple of times when she had felt like he had wanted to say something to her but he hadn't. Because it had always been up to her to bring it up or to let it go entirely.

"I'm going to get him," she told everyone. "He should be there with us."

The relationship between her and Levi had settled naturally into that of teammates. They got each other in a way the others couldn't comprehend. In the field, they were matched evenly in speed and strength. They had been looked up to by others. The Humanity's Best Soldiers and after the confrontation with the Beast Titan, The Humanity's Ultimate Weapons. In a way, it had been dehumanizing but if that was the price they had had to pay for the continued survival of themselves and their comrades, it was one they were willing to shoulder.

Maybe that was her problem, Mikasa thought. She had been thought of as a weapon, a soldier for so long she didn't know how to be anything else. And Levi was the same, only it had been even longer time for him.

She had chosen to bury her feelings for him for the sake of the mission. She couldn't have afforded distractions back then but that was no longer true. If she was honest with herself - which she tried to be - she hadn't so much buried them as she had just put them aside. And they had kept growing. The near daily contact with him, the desperation of their struggles, the common goals, it had all nurtured them until they were beyond the point where she could stop herself from having them.

Mikasa knew how she felt. She, however, had no idea about Levi's side of things. She knew him enough to know that if she told him and he didn't feel the same, he wouldn't mock her for that. It was yet another decision she needed to make soon.

She knocked at his door and waited. It took him a minute to open it but as he was completely dressed, she thought that Sasha had been right and he had been thinking.

"We're waiting for you," she said simply.

"You shouldn't have," he replied and she didn't imagine the tiredness in his voice. And maybe it was all the thinking she had done recently but she decided that she was done with the evasion.

"We wanted to. But first..."

She stepped closer to him, settling her hands on his cravat.

"May I? It's crooked."

It wasn't but he nodded in aquiescence. She undid the knot, smoothed out the fabric and then started to retie it.

"I feel strange around the others," she said, keeping her eyes on the cravat. "They all know where they are going from here, what their lives are going to be. Me? I can't even decide whether I want to stay in the military or not."

"It's different for us," he said. "Given who we are, what we can do, we had a responsibility for the others. We had to make decisions that would influence many people in a matter of seconds and then we had to deal with the results. Right now, the only ones our decisions will truly impact are ourselves. It's a luxury we didn't have before."

Mikasa tucked the cravat into place and smoothed the lapels on his coat.

"It's scary in a way."

"It is," he agreed. "But it's a good kind of scary."

She smiled at that. Yes, being afraid of a future that was now possible was better than being afraid of not having a future at all.

"Last time you did this," his voice interrupted her thoughts, "You avoided me for several days after. Are you going to do it again?"

She looked up from the cravat and met his eyes. She knew him and he knew her. He got her in a way others couldn't. And he let her retie his cravat for no other reason than because she asked. It was enough for now.

"I don't have a reason to," she replied. "Not anymore."

"Good. That's really good."

The silence that stretched between them was one of those comfortable ones where the unspoken things are louder than any words could be.

* * *

 **A/N:** That's it for now. Maybe one day I'll expand on this verse but for now it's finished. Feel free to look me up on Tumblr - mirime-kisarrastine.


End file.
